hipppiechikckie's Blog

  I really, really hate moving. I know that I own a lot of crap but when you start to pack you realize that its much more crap then even you realized, and the things I am finding CRAZY.....I found homework from 3rd grade, MY HOMEWORK. Valentines from kindergarten, 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade. I've found some awesome happy meal toys though.  I think I got bit by a spider. My living room looks like the innards of a homeless castle. Piles of cardboard and crap as far as the eye can see. Garage sale my ass, I am going to have to pay people to take some of this crap off my hands. I should  just donate it to the Salvation Army, let it be their problem, but if I did they would hang my picture up as a warning like in the post office and I don’t want that, I like taking them stuff.

     I found cards and pictures the girls made me from kindergarten up, some are sweet, some were forced works of art by over zealous teachers. The clothes I have found, MyKayla got all excited and told me ugly sweaters were in now and smiled as she gathered her ugly goods. I tried to give her sweat pants but she just made some comment about standards and mumbled under breath. Ungreatful kids!

     When I moved in the people before me left stuff behind in the garage so I have that to go through too. In one of those boxes I found a flag folded up in a triangle in a  plastic zipper pouch with the name of a funeral home and a person on it. MyKayla and I decided to have an adventure and see if we can track down the family and return it to them. She started by leaving a message with the funeral home.  This could be interesting.

     I have so many books, books and more books.  From French cooking, to the occult, to Stephen King, to Dr Seuss, there are SO  MANY BOOKS!! AND the stuffed animal population is OBNOXIOUS, I should allow special hunting licenses to kill them off in order to keep them from taking over……there are so damn many! Don’t even get me started on the bouncy ball equation, its outrageous the things I have collected. Who needs 136 bouncy balls of all kinds, colors and sizes? Apparently we did.

     I found just the talky part and cord of a CB, I am hoping the radio is out there waiting to be found, Breaker- breaker 1-9, do you copy? I have been driving my dog nuts with the little techno dog. It barks, wags its tail, and wiggles its one ear. Maybe I will find his missing ear later, I don’t think that will make Moo like it any better though. She has knocked it over a few times and given it a good toothy snarl.

I did find and old vintage banana board skateboard missing one truck and set of wheels, but then I found them today so now it is whole again. The damn things going for $80-160 on eBay, who knew?

     I could re-enact Star Wars with the Beanie Baby collection, all of them.  I am now able to clothe all the nekkid Barbie’s of the world, if I wanted to. Who needs a purse or a wallet? I got you covered!

     All this and I am not quite a  ¼ of the way into all the garage boxes. My back is on fire from all the bending and stooping, but I must admit, I am excited to see what I will find tomorrow!

***2 Months later and I start school on Monday.......I couldn't be more excited..I am also still walking regularly which leads me to believe that getting outside and breathing outside air regularly has had a positive affect on my life....
It's funny because I have always believed that most people need to be taught how to correctly breathe...all the shallow breaths don't carry enough oxygen around your body to really get your brain to kick into the good high gears....but then, I forgot to apply that to my own self for a while....I have since remembered and things are taking a turn for the better....so next time things start to go south...I think I will take a minute to take a few good deep breaths............ and then deal with the situation....shortly after I will cheesely walk away and smell a flower...and then I will put a pot on my head and call a kettle black.......why stop at one silly cliche...

I love coming on here and writing......................it gives me freedom and a soap box at the same time. ............I write about everything...........................from serious to bull shit ranting by a lunatic..............and I have readers. I have fans and readers ;0)............I love seeing that someone and someones are reading what I have to say.............but there is one thing  I would love even more.................if you are taking the time to read more than one of my stories.......why not take the time to say hello............to share something...........to tell me I gave you a smile or that you think my opinion is a piece of shit?????????/ Tell me you love me and we should have puppies or tell me that you think I need a lobotamy to get it......................
I would love to have conversations with someone other than myself.........which actuality, is a big goal of all this writing............I want someone to understand or question me..............either is welcome, a mix of both would be awesome.....................why won't someone take the time to tell me I have hit the hammer on the head and they understand...........or that I am way off and need to shut it?????????????????................... this is me reaching out..............and when you read me................you are allowing me to brush my fingers against you, but then, you are moving on too quickly without contact................I want to grasp you instead.............I am fucking lonely..........I quite meth and lost all my friends...........well discarded them in order to rid myself of the drug...........that was almost 6 years ago and I am lonely..............I want someone to bullshit with...................shit if you have a friend in jail who needs a pen pal pass me along..................................
I love that you are feeling the need to take what I have to say to heart................that you are spending the time to see what the fuck is up with me..............but I would love you to feel free to interact with me................Im drunk and feeling  more alone than usual.......but asking you to say hello is what I feel even when I am sober...............i just keep it inside then :0)

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman..

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife..'The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes..The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the damn chair.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

 

 

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

 

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

 

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

 

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

 

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

 

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

 

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

 

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

 

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

 

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

 

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

 

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

 

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

 

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

 

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

 

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

 

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

 

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

 

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"(MY FAVORITE)

 

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

 

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

 

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

 

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

 

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

 

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

 

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

 

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

 

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

 

THE WINNER IS....

 

 

 

 16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

 I have been ass busy for about a month now. Prom finally happened and now graduation is 5-28-11 and they give us only 12 tickets so I have to throw a huge party so all the family can come and we can try and score her some presents and money.

On top of that, I have been going through a program with the Texas Work Force Commission called the WIA and I am trying to qualify for retraining. I have been through all the TWC stuff and I have just finished all the college testing and admissions and the such. I took my test yesterday but I should of taken it last  Friday. I got scared when they told me it would be a 4 ½ hour test. The admissons lady gave me a list of websites I could go to and take practice tests, so home I went to rethink the issue.

 I haven’t used algebra in about 17 years, and I had to test for the TWC also. I had MyKayla, my 15 year old, run over some algebra with me for the small test. Took maybe 20 minutes for the math, reading and writing, it was all very easy for me. I found out later I only missed one question so my ego was already starting to rise. Well turns out I had to take an entrance exam, this is the 4 ½ hour test. I’m thinking how many fucking questions can you ask in 4 and ½ hours and the answer is a whole fucking lot!!!! So I started to get a little shaken, again its been 17 years, andhat is when  my ego starts to resettle, it ever sinks a little :0(

 On Monday  I tell Myself ,” Ok I am going to take the test on Wednesday that gives me time to study and do this!”

 Yes, I often talk to myself and these are the kind of conversations we have. I like to have them out loud when I have them because I like to do both parts in different voices. It helps me get to a solution….Yes I often get looked at like that crazy lady talking to herself but that just makes me laugh…then they really think I am crazy..I have actually had people move away from me on the train and that just made me laugh harder…Ok I am off topic….....................................Uh ....Uhrm .....hummm…........anyways…

 My mom hurt her groin area on Sunday, she either tore or sprained or stretched her groin, don’t tell her I told you, she might get embarrassed now that I think about it, but anyways...... yea. She felt ok and went to work on Monday but had to come home around 2 because there was a pain in her groin and she said her butt was on fire, and she couldn’t walk or sit….…I cant make this stuff up I tell you…again…shhhhhhh…….

 I had to take her to The Doctor on Tuesday and it took all day………….. and he told us to go to the big parkland for an MRI. So I spent Wednesday at Parkland ………that takes all freaking day……Still not getting to study…so I  pushed the test date back to Friday……..Thursday I go to all the practice sites  and realize I don’t know how to do this shit!!!!        ARGHHHHHHH so Christina, MyKayla and Anish help me study and I went in on Tuesday of the next week and took the test finally……….

Sorry its such a long story I am long winded when I tell stories….I like telling stories can you tell….I wish I lived in the times when you could roam around the country telling stories and getting paid for it…I guess now they call those politicians…ba ba bump!! (those are my drums in the back ground)

So now I am waiting on the college to send a bid letter to the TWA and then I am waiting ot hear if I am approved. If so I will start working on my assocates degree in CADD. If not I will be devestated and sad beyong relief for a while...then I will figure out what to do next...........HURRY UP AND WAIT>>>>>>>>>>I HATE IT!!!!!!!!

 

Feeling more myself Lately….So I am still out of work but I started walking…exercising…regularly…no don’t go getting all excited its only been 2 weeks but I am a little proud of me. I am the first one to tell you to watch for signs in life because I see them all around me…good and bad…kind of depends on what I am up to at the time…good…...or…bad….
 
I decide to go to the park because I have forgotten how important being outside is to my mental and emotional self sometimes. I have been spending a little more time outside lately as I ponder with my weight issue. (Short note…I got hurt and was in a wheel chair for about 6 months, that was 2 years and 100 pounds lighter) I know I have to start exercising more and getting myself out side so I tell myself to head for the park. I finish my walk and plop myself under a tree, letting my ipod and the swinging of the trees put me in a trance.
 
As they others on the rail pass I always smile but one lady decides to say something to me so I paused the ipod and join in her conversation. We get into employment and how education is preferred to experience and she tells me about the WIA which is a work program through the Texas Work Force. I have heard of it before, even knew someone who trained to be a truck driver through the program but I don’t want to be a truck driver. She assures me there are other things and that was Monday and to day is Friday and I could be just weeks away from going back to school!!!!!
 
I can’t say it’s for sure because I have a few more pages of papers I need to get done and turned back in before I can find out if I qualify. If I don’t qualify they will work to find me a job, so although I prefer to go back to school, getting a job out of it is not something to be ungrateful for.

 I once went to a minimal security prison in Arkansas. I t was 1997 and I was young, stupid, cruel, angry and full of resentments. I made a mistake and they took me away for 6 months. It is now 2011, 14 years later and I want to know how long I have to pay for a mistake I made 14 year ago? A mistake that was never repeated......a mistake I learned the first time????  How am I supposed to look past it when no one else will?
I am currently looking for work due to being laid off on August 31 of 2010. I was a customer service coordinator for a large Industrial Real Estate firm. I had 300 properties in the DFW ( Dallas/Fort Worth) area. I coordinated and organized   230 tenants, 16 cities, 321 vendors, 48 brokers, 3 property managers, 1 leasing agent, 1 marketing director and 2 accounting agents on a daily basis. I created spreadsheets and roof maps to organize 1584 Industrial HVAC units. I did the upkeep on permits for city, fire, fire monitoring, utilities, construction, waste, lighting, landscaping, plumbing, janitorial, and many, many others along with invoicing.
I worked in the capacity of an assistant property manger along with the previous duties and I loved my  job, I was damn fucking good at my job, but...but...but....the company I worked for was a global company and not everyone in my position did their job the way I did my job and the corporation decided to do away with my job. My direct supervisor, the general manager, regional manager and 3 of 6 board members personally fought to keep me, not my position but me. In my first 8 months with the company I saved them $46,500, in the full 22 months I had been there I personally saved the company $268,000.00 and had a paper trail to show the savings, so here's my problem. Their answer was, this is a corporate decision and in on way reflects upon my body of work, they extend there apologies to me and game me a months severance along with a months insurance and 401 k Pay  but regretted to inform my position with the company would end on 8-31-10 due to a corporate decision.
So now I am again looking for work and losing menial position after menial position due to my past. Here is the letter I had to send in response to one of those lost opportunities.  
Here is something I received about a job post:
Necessary Criteria for being employed:

1. 
   Age: older than 27
2. 
   Internet access
3. 
   3-5 hours of free time every day for discharging your professional duties
4. 
   Clean record

Here is what I had to send in response:
  I appreciate your interest but I do not meet your criteria. 14 years ago I was instructed to add a tip to a credit card receipt by my manager while I was a server with Lonestar Steak House in Fayetteville TX. It later turned into a credit card fraud charge.  I have never repeated the offense and did not intentionally do so at the time . My incident was an unfortunate mistake and many companies like yourself are not yet open enough to understand such issues. I hope at a later date you rethink your vintage values and instead take applicants on a case by case situation. I believe I could have been a valuable asset to your company. I am honest and responsible and care how my work is critiqued and examined by others. It is important for me turn in my very best work possible, and I strive to outdo myself each time I attack a new task. I think analytically and can easily approach an issue backwards to forwards allowing me to see where a new approach is needed. I am good at what I do and take great pride in any work attached to my name. Good luck in filling the position and thank you for the interest.

 

It took me about 35 days of packing 8-12 hours a day to go through and either trash or pack everything I own. It took over a week with a truck and a trailer, myself, my daughters, my mom, and thank god for my dad and uncle Truman who did most of the heavy lifting and unloading.

Its an odd feeling to dwindle yourself down to something that fits into so many boxes. Trying to sift through your past deciding what is no longer relevant or needed. The needed is the easiest part, I told my self if you haven’t seen or thought about this item in 6 months get rid of it, even that was harder than you'd think. Oh, but the relevant part, not so easy. How do you decide what part of you is no longer needed? Of course it is just all stuff, but some of it is stuff with memories or a past.

As I held some of these things in my hands I found my self daydreaming back to memories the items stirred up. I had to decide, do I need this item to keep this memory? I hope I made the right decisions, there’s no going back now.

So as I close the door to the house that has been mine and my girls home for 6 ½ years now, I only hope I kept the right things.

I hated that house but I already feel a little bit lost at the thought of not living there anymore. I keep telling my self newer and better things, I only hope I’m right

Its an odd feeling to pack up the home I have known for the last 6 1/2 years, Its funny how desperation often times prompts ( or throw and pushes us kicking and screaming) into making drastic last minute decisions, previously only contemplated. Partaking in new "things"  is scary and exciting, like chasing the dragon or the white rabbit depending on the pretext needed to make you most comfortable. Nostalgia has recaptured me as I open each new drawer, and with each item I box, I realize I am about to enter into a new phase of life, somewhere unlike where I have currently been. So far outside my comfort zone. My OCD spidey senses begin to tingle, making me anxious and itchy at the thought of the upcoming uncomfortableness ( I may of made up that word but it sounds right to me) becoming such a sure reality. Its painful to think about having no control over what’s next, no schedule, something so out of my control, the itching starts again. 3 weekends left and so much to do. Garage sale, one more thing I have to coordinate in a small fraction of time.

Work, I love working when I have the right job, in the right group of people, I have such a need to do my work  more productively and make greater use of my time, a mathematical need to be more intelligently productive, more of the OCD.  It has the potential to be a devastating crash, the not working time, so the move is nice in a sense that it lessons that, at least in the beginning.

I am so tired of working for other people, of letting someone with less understanding be in charge of my intellectual property. "I am too creative to have to get a real job" I have always whispered to my own self conscience.  I wish listening to myself was the only missing aspect of making that thought more real, workable and useable.

"I am my own natural resource" if someone would just show me how to tap in......

Written 12-09-05
                                       Be true to you

Somethings are bound to cause us pain
some will even make us cry
and sometimes heartache hurts so bad
we feel we'll surely die

there are people out to hurt us
Some will leave us feeling used
And somethings certain people do
will double as abuse

we can not change these people
and its a waste of time to try
They'll cheat , steal and disrespect
and most often they will lie

I know it can seem as all is lost
no matter what you try to do
the secret is in how you cope
If you want to make it through

Just don't let them get to you
Don't let them drag you in
Be as true to who you are
and your yang will balance yin


I wrote then when I knew my relationship with Kurt was ending, on 12-06-05, I stepped out of his car for the last time as his girlfriend.
 
We had first started dating in May of 2001. Josh and I just only been separated about a month when he showed up with Toke on my door step. He already had a girlfriend but I thought she was his sister and no one corrected me at first.

We were together only 9 months before our meth addled minds started tearing us apart, It was quite a volatile   l break. He threw  mirror at me so I nearly bit his finger off. In all fairness when my mouth filled with blood I not only let go, but chased him down, broke open the bathroom door behind which he was hiding,  and doctored his finger.

When the cops came they took me in for domestic violence. Never mind my cuts and scrapes, or that the house that was in my name only was destroyed, or that he admitted to hitting me first, they only cared that he was bleeding and I wasn't.

When I bailed out I came home to a house that had not only been robbed but destroyed. He and his mother then called CPS and tried to have my kids taken away.
By then time it went to court , CPS was there as a witness for me and the judge laughed him out of the courtroom and told him " Next time you pick a fight with a girl, I'd be sure to keep my fingers out of her mouth and my rear out of her way, sounds to me like justice was already served, case dismissed" The whole things was thrown out, it was a good feeling.

I didn't talk to him for 2 years, when he called me to apologize. I was clean at the time and he told me he was too and would like to meet in person and see if we could salvage the friendship we use to both treasure so much.

I know what your thinking "NO", but I had changed and grew up alot in those two years. I was 32 now and he about 24. I knew the pain of drug addiction and the fight it took to beat it. I let him know if I saw any indications of drug use I was out, other than weed of course.

 We started hanging out, having lunch, it was like a real friendship. After about 2 months of this I started see the guy I had first met, and I fell back in love with him. We were a regular thing again and somehow I let my guard down with the drugs and found myself surrounded by meth again.

I was so weak, being with him had weakened me, and I gave in, telling myself I would be more careful this time. It all of course melted again, as ICE does. So one night I had enough, he was flirting with someone else and came up with an excuse to take me home early, I being the person that I am confronted him about my gut feelings. He became very defensive and I felt all the old stuff floating back in. I knew than and there I needed a good slap in the face so I told him to pull over at skillman and 635, about 25 miles from my home at 11 PM. I walked home, it took me 5 hours and my feet were blisters when I got home. When I made it in the door I immediately started to write myself out of love with him. I holed away for about a week and just wrote and wrote until I knew I wasn't in love with him anymore.
I ran into him randomly in about October 2007 and again tried to be friendly with him. I was having a party at my house and extended an invitation, one I would later regret tremendously, he ended up  throwing a  vase threw my glass screen door in jealousy.

That was the last straw, I have blocked all his numbers and have nothing to do with him. About a week ago I get a call at 5 am. Guess who, using a friends phone. He is crying but I am mean, I yell and curse and slam the phone in his face. The next day at work he calls me again, I stand walk out of ear shot and tell him to         F U C K off I will never let him in my life again, he tells me his mother is dying from the Hepatitis and has about 6 months to live, and wants nothing more before she dies then for me to give him one more chance.  I knew she had the Hepatitis and I felt really bad but I still yelled and cursed. He gave me the number to the hospital and her room number, I hung up.


Guilt became to creep up, what if she is dying, WHO CARES HE DESERVES IT, how can you be so cruel, ME CRUEL, DO YOU REMEMBER WHO HE IS?

This mental battle went on a few days before I finally called the hospital, she was there and she said it was due to complications form the Hepatitis and had hoped I could I could help look after him once shes gone.
It was a terrible guilt trip, they both knew how my kindness worked , how truly forgiving my soul really is.
I made a lunch date with him but the never went, something didn't feel right and I couldn't make myself go or even call him. I felt pangs of guilt for standing him up, until  about a week ago when I ran into Jenny, one of our mutual friends. I told her about the calls she she immediately let me know, his mother was in the hospital for minor surgery and was not yet in the throws of death, he had done it again, tried to swindle his way into my life.

I am so glad my gut told me not to go and that I was smart enough to listen. Never again will I believe anything he says to even take the time to feel any pity for him, in my eyes, he deserves everything he gets, as does his "dying" mother.....

I knew it should of been all over the night I wrote that poem, I hate how only hindsight is 20/20, makes life so much harder!